Humor / Valentine’s Day / Satire

The 5 Anger Languages

When Valentine’s Day goes wrong.

Mark McMillion
5 min readFeb 14, 2024

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Image by Pixabay. CC0.

Of course, we’ve all heard of the five love languages: words, acts, gifts, time, and touch. Or something like that. Let me enlighten you on something more useful for men when you screw up Valentine’s Day. Again. The five anger languages. They’re just like the love languages only different.

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First, let’s say you forgot about Valentine’s Day in the morning, went to work where someone reminded you, and you stopped at Walgreen’s on the way home. You picked up the really big Russell Stover Candy heart with the dark and light red plastic cellophane. You dropped $20–25 on it so you’re good, right?

Ho, ho, ho, I don’t think so. Welcome to the first anger language: silence. Your wife dressed nicely, maybe a little naughty for you when you arrived and you bring her this?

She greeted you at the door, saw what was in your hands, and about-faced to head straight to her bedroom because it certainly isn’t yours. Welcome to Anger Language #1 — silence. All in all, bad but survivable.

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Now let’s say you woke up in the morning, left early for work without saying anything. Again, at work someone reminds you so you stop at the florist’s for flowers except they’re closed. And so is the next one and then the next one. Hmmm, to the grocery store then!

A-a-a-nd they’re out of roses. Roses, tulips, daisies, whatever. They’re flowers. Except all of the red and pink ones are gone. So you get yellow. You drop a good fifteen bucks on these gems and you’re patting yourself on the back for remembering Valentine’s. Obviously, you set the bar kind of low.

You walk into the kitchen with a big smile and present your mismatched mashup of carnations, daisies, and marigolds. Your wife goes white. Her mouth opens, then shuts but no sounds come out. You’re standing there with arms outstretched, presenting the flowers you so lovingly threw together from scraps at the grocery store.

She takes them silently, then with a roar from the depths of hell, begins to beat you with them. There are more petals flying than at the Rose Bowl parade. As you…

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Mark McMillion

Retired Army officer with two tours in Baghdad, married with four kids. Proud West Virginian and West Point grad. Works available on Amazon.