The Godzilla Dance
When my second daughter was six, her school was having a talent show (just a show — NOT a contest, because, you know, we’re all winners!). Sophia was really, really excited and desperate to participate. More so, the kids were told that they could include family members in their act. Naturally, since I was her favorite father, she wanted me to be in it with her.
For us, there was one little hitch in all this: we were not a talented family. Including all four kids, my wife, and myself, you might find enough talent to paint the head of the pin — one coat only.
I had played sports growing up, although in a spectacularly mediocre manner. I can’t play any musical instrument except the radio, but even then I get some static. When I sing, everything on legs evacuates the area and those organisms that don’t have legs (e.g. slime molds, fungi) just whimper pitifully. I can’t juggle more than one ball at a time, and still manage to drop that sometimes. Six knee surgeries pretty much rule out dancing (mercifully, based on my past performance feedback). When I used to dance, I looked like a man trying to dance who’d had six knee surgeries. THEN, I had the six operations. . .
My wife was a studious girl with no time for sports, band, or other activities growing up. My older daughter is avidly following in her footsteps. Sophia takes riding lessons and does well with them. Unfortunately, the school’s stage was small and there wasn’t room to set up even a small equestrian course. Plus, the horses at the stable where she takes lessons tend to defecate in extraordinarily large quantities and seemingly continuously. Sophia’s is a private school, so there was already plenty of that stuff there everyday, anyway.
Sophia’s two little brothers, ages 2 and 3, do seem to possess some unique talents. However, I wasn’t certain that squawking like pterodactyls and rendering every horizontal surface devoid of all matter save spilled milk or apple juice would really translate to a stage show. So, they weren’t real strong candidates.
That left us in quite a bind. I racked my brain for something she or we could do without completely abandoning all pretense of dignity. As the date got closer, and Sophia pleaded daily, I was desperate to…