Fiction / Humor / Paranoia

Top 10 Things to Do When Everyone’s Out to Get You

Someone once said when you think everyone is against you, remember there are still a few small neutral countries.

Mark McMillion
3 min readMay 9, 2023


Image by Gisela Merkuu from Pixabay

Don’t believe it. They’re out to get you as well. All of them. Looking to rip you off, take advantage of you, and rob you blind.

Paranoid? Yeah, I don’t think so.

1. When you take your vehicle in to get worked on (oil change, rotate the tires, whatever), wait until you’re almost on empty. That way they won’t take your wheels out for a joyride. Or if they do, they’ll have to at least pay for gas. Bonus if the fuel light is on.

2. Wrap your wallet in tin foil. I don’t know if it defeats the RFID stuff, but people will think you’re weird and keep their distance.

Photo by author, of author’s wallet, with author’s driver’s license and last twenty bucks and a lottery ticket. Take your time reading this article . . .

3. Anytime someone sneezes in your vicinity, jump back violently and yell, “THAT WAS ON PURPOSE!” It lets people know you’re on to them and they won’t do it again.

4. Only make left turns when driving. It will make it harder to get to places but you’ll be…



Mark McMillion

Retired Army officer with two tours in Baghdad, married with four kids. Proud West Virginian and West Point grad. Works available on Amazon.